Two suns ago it was a cold drizzly day, and as the Seekers went about their business chopping out pack-frames, I went for a little walk to warm up. I was feeling off.. wondering if my plan of action for the future was the right one, and reeling from another night of poor sleep. I walked to that place I call the upper meadow, where sometimes I see the deer grazing. I decided to keep going, and walked to the berm that divides the trail from the forest road. Kept going. Walked down the forest road to the paved road, and then up and across the paved road, my destination – that beautiful mysterious lake that in the past I’ve found somehow only once, after a very long run down some round-about path I could not remember. The forest paths split and dead-ended, and often I turned around and back-tracked. Scared up all kinds of birds, set squirrels a-chatter, as my quiet approach down the rain-soaked needles of the forest floor disturbed them.
And just as the low cool clouds were moving steadily above me, inside of me were drifting by the shapeless, confusing grey emotions. It suddenly occurred to me that this is a healing walk, that it’s a space in which the shapelessness can take shape, and whisper to me the directions I misplaced. Bit by bit, I allowed myself to fully feel the feelings with my whole body, to acknowledge their presence. And in my mind, I asked where they came from – what mental images are associated with them. And memories began to pour in.. recent events, my years of public school, situations with family and friends, perhaps event eh trauma of being born.. they came one after another after another.. and I could see those roots out of which grow the sadness and fear in my life to the size that they do.
I headed back. The confusion about the current state of my life no longer seemed overwhelming – no longer did leaving my circle and opportunities in my life here in order to feed my curiosity about other lands and people and ways of being feel so scary. At the end, I was walking stealthily through the woods to avoid detection my some car that was loudly driving and stopping every so often on the forest road that I was taking back. Could have been birdwatchers, Forest Service, or poachers with high-powered rifles. In any case, I was in the moment – that’s all that there was.
Upon arrival back at camp, the Seekers were having a meeting with their Guides. I sat in, just in time to hear talk of the importance of not having duality in one’s perception of the world – that seeing some things as good and some things as bad keeps our feelings stuck. Indeed.
We all have so much healing and growing to do, perhaps for the entirety of our lives. In my life, nothing is figured out at the moment. However, I know that if I am able to accept what is – whether victory or defeat, wholeness or the need to grow, joy or the fear that is underneath the anger, something special happens. When I am present with this inner process, the world opens up. I feel that feeling of being at home that I remember from childhood. And the heart is that much closer to that Spirit-that-flows-through-all-things. And opportunities pop up where before there was confusion. And like the clouds overhead, it’s all constantly moving, flowing changing. And the Sun does shine, too.
Alyosha
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